why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
