I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
