I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
