mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
