i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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