Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
