Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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