Im at strip club and am horny
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
