its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
