I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
