Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
