What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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