Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
