Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Thank you for not boning my boss.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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