Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
