I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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