New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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