I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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