DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
