Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
