My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
