sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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