I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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