you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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