walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
