shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
