Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
