Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
she pinky promised me she was 18
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
