he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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