my shit smells like andre
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
