If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
