the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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