And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
