he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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