2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just gargled with NyQuil
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
