So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
