remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
