at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
