I cannot find my penis.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
