apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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