Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
