Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
