I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
