3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
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