In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
