Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
