every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
