Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
