my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
