Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you would pick up someone in the library
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
