Will you blow on my dice?
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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