I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize