I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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