"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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