i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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