If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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