The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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