we're blogging at a bar
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
